I left Holland 0ver 16 months ago and started heading towards Portugal. Now as I am close to passing over from Spain into Portugal, I find I am suddenly faced with questions, insecurities and fears which have always been in the background, but now are triggered to the forefront of my mind. This morning, I just felt like writing…
Just write. Juste write. What I feel. Still a sense of loneliness. Still a tightness in my chest. My solar plexus. More subtle now. And it seems to connect with my child. The child I was. I don’t know where, when. But I feel like the child missed a connection which would have given him security when he most needed it. But when? All I can do is try to speak to my child and let him know that he can let go of the fears, because I am grown up now. I can take care of myself. I can handle my fears. I do not need to hold someones hand in order to be able to move forward. I don’t need the ‘words of mother’ to give me confidence. I no longer want to be held back by this need. I am finished with feeling helpless on my own. We are all on our own. Because, ultimately, no one can help us get through to the other side (whatever that might be). It is always a personal journey. And I want to accept the loneliness and fear as friends on my journey, because they are here to show me something. They have always been trying to show me something, but I have always pushed them away. Always chosen for the comfort of the hand to hold. Always trusted another to smooth the way. But in fact, as long as I am entrusting my journey to someone else, I will not be moving. And I want to move because this landscape is getting boring. I have seen it all before, so many times. It is painful getting to this point. It is gut-wrenching to face the fact that I have been treading water all my life, swimming in circles, constantly on the lookout for a life-saver, when actually the shore is within sight (once this heavy fog lifts) and maybe, if I stop flailing just long enough, I might discover that my feet touch the ground.
Wow, what nice photos! It was a pleasure and a gift to be part of them. Keep on writing and thinking and walking and taking gorgeous photos. And painting, and questioning, and, and,and…
Lots of love from Egypt.
Absolument merveilleux. J’adore lorsque Lorsque tu écris. C’est aussi beau que lorsque tu peins ou lorsque tu fais de la photo.Tu as tellement de choses fascinantes à partager mon ami, ne laisse pas tomber. Que la vie t inspire encore des milliers de choses aussi vraie, aussi belles à partager. C’est un immense honneur, Monsieur, que de vous avoir rencontré. Bonne route mon ami.
Merci, merci, merci Do!